Friends

Tonight was a rough one for Jacob.  He was supposed to be sleeping and I hear him crying.  So I go to his room to see what is wrong.  Naturally I thought he was in pain somewhere.  But then he says hes fine and he doesnt want to tell me whats wrong.  Finally I coax him into telling me whats wrong.  He tells me that is he sad because he doesnt have a friend.  I tell him that he has tons of friends!!  He says no, he wants a best friend.  I tell him that he has his brother who is his best friend and I kinda leave it at that.  I leave and he calls me right back in.  So I go in and he says, you want to know why I was really crying?  He said he wishes he had a best friend.  A kid who has no medical problems.  So that he could cheer him on when he is in the hospital and someone to cheer him up when he is sick.  This just about broke my heart.  I feel so bad for him.  I wish he had friends.  I really do.  I just wish I could do more for him.  I cant make a kid be his friend. We have tried to have boys come over and play minecraft.  But its not fun when they can only stay for a short time before Jacob is tired and needs to sleep.  Or his TPN needs to be changed, or he needs his meds, or something that scares the kid off and he never wants to come back and play.

It got me thinking about my own life.  I told him, I dont have friends either.  I know what its like to not have any friends.  Sure, I have lots of people I call a friend.  But I dont have many who I can call at a minutes notice and go hang out.  Or someone who knows when im having a bad day and we get to go out and forget about things for a while.  I used to...but not anymore.  I miss having my best friend here.  I get lonely and wish I had friends to hang out with during the day.  But kinda like Jacob, once they get to know my life...they leave.  Its not a desirable life.  I am stressed out beyond stressed, I rarely get time for myself, I have to put Jacob first.  And in many times I have had to cancel last minute because of something with Jacob.

Moving into a new subdivision has been hard.  Lots of awesome people I would love to be friends with.  But the reality is that no one really wants to be my friend.  I dont have little kids like everyone does.  I dont go to playgroups or park days.  I dont sit outside while my kids run around and play with the other kids on the street.  The kids are all much younger than Tyler and Tyler has no desire to really play with kids who are a lot younger than him.  I take Jake out for walks in his wheel chair.  I see everyone starring.  It doesnt bother me.   It doesnt bother Jacob either.  Thats our normal.  I am sure its weird to some people.  They see us and im sure they think that we would be much better off not being bothered.  That we have enough to handle and we dont need people bothering us.  But its the exact opposite.  We would LOVE to meet more people and have them as friends.  We NEED time away!  We need to destress sometimes.

I guess the moral of this post is that we have each other and thats really all that matters. Jacob and Tyler are each others best friends.  I know to Jacob, thats not enough.  He watches all these shows on Disney and nickelodeon and they all have best friends.  I hope that Jacob realizes he has a ton of people who are always cheering him on when he is in the hospital.  I told him next time, I will show him all the posts from people.  He has the biggest cheering section.  He has tons of people who love him.  He will understand that one day, I hope.